Comments on Digest: Breaking Down and Assimilating Eating Disorder Recovery, Popular Culture, Whatever: Nutritional Progress . . . Sort Of

You will beat this. I'm glad you have the ongoing...

2009-07-08T07:59:37.093-05:00

You will beat this. I'm glad you have the ongoing support. Maybe having a lower paced schedule this summer will help you get back on track. Are there any things you can implement (i.e. picking up sandwiches for the week from the deli, etc.) that would make it easier for you during your breakneck-paced school year?

I think it's really hard to nurture yourself. It's complicated, it feels wrong. It's especially hard when external pressures seem overwhelming. I would love to see you do just a little bit of it though. You really seem like a wonderful person and even without that, you would still deserve it.

Whew, 1-2 lbs. a WEEK instead of total. I also tho...

2009-06-29T19:59:20.745-05:00

Whew, 1-2 lbs. a WEEK instead of total. I also thought it was a total weight gain, and I seriously thought that was pretty fucked up.

I'm sorry you still struggle so much, my dear.

I'm glad you're honest about it. I was just... sho...

2009-06-29T14:47:17.201-05:00

I'm glad you're honest about it. I was just... shocked. I did not know you were still that deep in. I want you to beat this.

Forgive me if I gave the wrong impression: I've ga...

2009-06-29T14:14:05.304-05:00

Forgive me if I gave the wrong impression: I've gained 1-2 pounds PER WEEK over the past 8 weeks! Re-reading my post, I acknowledge that what I wrote was a misstatement. Also, the low that I refer to in this post is by no means my all-time low. It was my lowest point in the past year or so, and it was by all means extremely unhealthy, but it was still a couple of stone away from my worst anorexic weight.

I CAN eat a dinner out. I CAN have a treat now & again without bingeing and purging. But is disordered eating still an active part of my life? Yes.

Some periods are worse than others. Some days are worse than others. Hell, some moments are worse than others. Some blessed times, food/weight is the furthest thing from my mind. Other times, it still controls. I know that to admit to that limbo limns something less than the sanguine picture I'd like to offer. However, it's the damned truth.

I know that in this limbo, even without full-blown ED-livin'--my health is bad. (Some of that is likely the result of independent conditions, but even those conditions surely are not helped by my poor nutrition habits.) The evidence is enormous, indisputable. There's hardly an organ system in my body that isn't functioning sub-par. And, you know, I hear-tell that non-pregnant 30 year-old women are supposed to menstruate . . . .

I didn't mean this post to be especially revelatory. I've aimed to be candid on an ongoing basis, even at the risk of boring the hell out of everyone. But am *I* worried about myself on an ongoing basis? Uh-huh. I remember too well the dark territory of acute anorexia to over-estimate where I am now. Still, while I may be out of those woods, my tent is pitched on the periphery of them. I am not proud of it. I do not embrace it. But, for whatever it's worth, I do try to be honest about it.

This post is very worrisome, T. So much so that I ...

2009-06-28T15:01:42.383-05:00

This post is very worrisome, T. So much so that I don't know where to start. A few questions:

You were at a low point 6-8 weeks ago and your nutritionist is pleased that you've gained 1-2 lbs.? 1-2 lbs. in almost 2 months? Low point plus 1-2 lbs. does not seem like something to be pleased about. It's better than low point minus 1-2 lbs., of course, but that's not a significant gain. At all.

Do you really eat Extendbars and protein shakes for days on end? That's awful, T. One thing that might inspire you to not do that is that it will compromise the rest of your looks: skin, hair, nails, bright eyes, that sort of thing. You need fresh vegetables and fruits and so on.

Are you still at the point where you cannot go to dinner with a guy and eat normally? When is the last time you ate pizza or ice cream without binging? Are you thin enough that you binge or feel the need to do so?

It needn't be a life sentence. Shit, I don't want it to be, for you. My own view is that it's possible for a former anorexic to be thin without an ED, but that it's only possible if you first break with it completely and let yourself gain a lot of weight. Do you ever consider really giving it all up? Remember when Marya Hornbacher says in Wasted that trying to recover while maintaining some anorexic behaviors is like a 4-pack/day smoker trying to smoke only at parties?

I guess your blog entry shocked me. I didn't know it was still so bad. I am glad that things are going well for you--you've finished your first year of law school, etc.--but I am disturbed that you seem to be picturing your life as the life of a functioning borderline anorexic. I want this to end for you.