WTF?! I started menstruating today for the first time in years. No medical inducement. No rain dances.

So, apparently I'm a "real girl" again, all grown-up and a woman . . . at age 30. Even after the notorious OB/GYN appointment earlier in the summer. Evidently, not only does hope spring eternal, but so does the endometrial lining from a written-off, desiccated husk of a womb.

Honestly, I could tell that I was ovulating recently (I know my repro system pretty well, even though we've been well out-of-touch for a few years), so I knew that the red tide was bound to come in soon. And, honestly, I strongly suspect that this turn in my hormonal fortunes is directly related to the weight that I gained over the summer and have been able to--for a change--maintain so far this semester.

After dropping to a terrible low at the end of the last school year, and reflecting on my tendency to cyclically drop-then-gain-to-meet-a-short-term-treatment-goal-then-drop-again, I resolved to take better care of myself with the long term in mind. I knew that summer was an excellent opportunity to do that. I don't want to trigger anyone with numbers, but I gained close to twenty pounds over the break from school. More remarkably, though, I've maintained that weight gain for longer than I usually do, even when I've gained more modest amounts. I can only be humble about my future, but I'm feeling pretty damned pleased right now.

Yes, there have been moments these past few months when I've felt uncomfortably conscious about my increased size. A lot of clothes don't fit right, which is not only a forceful reminder of my lifestyle changes, but also a practical problem. And I can see the pointy edges disappearing from head to toe, and I like pointy edges. No, behaviors haven't always been above reproach. But I confess too that I kind of like having my, ahem, cups spilling over and my thighs and upper arms rounder. At the risk of sounding self-aggrandizing, I know that I look sexier. Less like a model, sure, but truly sexier and prettier. And though this period hurts like a bitch, I'm glad to have it too.

So, why is it all a bit different lately? Recently, I've been so especially engaged in my life, so preoccupied with meaning beyond my body, that weight has seemed like an afterthought (even if it's still a thought). I've felt so capable and purposeful in more important areas of my life, that I've found it so much less tempting to demonstrate my capability and purpose in manipulating my body size. The artificial sense of control that comes from restricting food and losing weight has just seemed a lot less . . . necessary. Frankly, it often feels lately like I just don't have time for it. I've got better shit to do. I may not do all that shit perfectly, but at least it's better shit. Or something.

In any case, I'll ask you, if you are so inclined, to lift a glass of your favorite red wine some time soon to hope, health, better things, and my reproductive system.