The comments on my last office friendship post are well-taken. Even though I’m pretty confident about the nature of some of my these friendships, I must confess a blithering ignorance generally when it comes to relating to men who aren’t academics/eccentrics/etc. How does this stuff work in “the real world” anyhow? I’m not sure that my instincts are very keen in this arena.

I have had numerous encounters with what I felt to be improper advances. So, I am willing to rebuff when necessary. One such instance, involved a young married man I met through work connections, though not in my office. Our socializing started with business lunches with others, then weekday lunches that were not expressly professional but more social. We would occasionally meet for one or two drinks after our respective work days finished. It seemed like a fairly organic progression to “friends” instead of mere “business contacts.” I liked him well enough to want to be friends. However, two primary factors prevented me from continuing to see him. (1) He was excessively flattering, overtly fawning even, about me, especially my appearance. I’m all for compliments, and I’m pretty comfortable with compliments about my appearance even from men. But there’s a limit some place beyond a male friend or coworker saying, “That dress you’re wearing looks really nice on you” or “Your hair looks good today” . . . and somebody repeatedly texting me telling what a “sweet ass” I’ve got. (2) Despite my repeated invitations, he never appeared interested in incorporating his wife in our socializing. He wanted to meet at a bar or go to see bands play or go to a movie . . . all while his wife was at home with his child. When I would suggest that we do fun things that would allow her to be involved, I’d get no response. That seemed fishy. I joked for a while about requiring a permission slip from his wife in order for him to hang out in her absence. Eventually, I just decided that this was probably a situation I didn’t want to be a part of.

I have always had plenty of male friends. I have male friends who are married. When I was married, I had male friends who were single. I would—and still do—hang out with married men without their wives around, or with single men without any additional friends around. I’ve managed to do this without anything untoward going on. Significantly, though, I generally think that it’s a good idea that I also be friends with a married male friend’s wife, even if I sometimes see the husband alone, even if I’m in fact closer pals with the husband than the wife. This speaks to the heart of Anonymous’s comments on my previous post, I think, viz. if someone’s got nothing to hide, then they won’t hide anything, right?

Just color me clueless.